i. am. epilepsy.

BACKGROUND:

It's been a very VERY long time since I've been forced to totally alter my plans with the ONLY determining factor being the risk (or, in this case, the very-high-as-in-almost-guarantee) of a seizure. I would say that it is because in the past, over a decade really, that my family has made sure that accommodations are made to make sure I'm safe and go anyway if we can eliminate or reduce MOST 'risk' factors. This event simply couldn't be manipulated...there was no safe way.  It is the first time I've felt good, wanted to go and simply had to make the choice that its too dangerous for me to go.

My husband and I have been independent distributors with a nutrition company for over 17 yrs-our last large National "Success School" with the company was the summer prior to my first seizure.  This year we had a wonderful friend lose over 75 lbs and our son, Kaiden, decided he wanted to sign up with the company....the result is me home with my college freshman daughter tomorrow, Kennedy, and youngest son, Easton (he's 16) while my husband, oldest son & one of his friends attend the school in Dallas.

THIS is what I REALLY wanted to write about.  

I'M MAD.
IT SUCKS.

I try hard not to allow what happens to my body...having no control over what it does, when it does it, how long or hard it does it, where it does it, get me down. We (as a family) tease and make fun (cause, well that's how we deal w/ things-we make a joke of them) while being ever mindful and vigilant to be safe. I do my part. I take my meds as directed. Every. Single. Day. 3 times a day. Within an hour of the day before. I monitor what I eat. I monitor how much I  sleep. How I feel. I monitor what is going on around me, who is watching me.

My family watches out for me. All. The. Time.

SO, to be unable to go somewhere is like....like allowing the seizures to win. To admit that I am (for these few days) controlled by what my body does...controlled by my disorder.

I BECOME MY DISORDER.

i.
am.
epilepsy.

For today. Only for today.


Much love & confident I will someday (SOON) be seizure-free.