Finding My Fight Again

Over the last 6-12 months my seizures have decreased in frequency, I believe it's because I finally found the delicate balance consisting of correct medication dosages, discipline taking meds, natural based solutions and control of my environment and outside stimulates (trigger avoidance). 

This is celebrated with happy dances and some bewilderment when we realize that I go weeks without one it also opens a new territory that we carefully tread around. Personally, sometimes creates terror in me. 

There, I wrote it (which always makes it real for me), I now deal with fears. Yes, even terrors. 

My poor husband usually takes the, "STOP! Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and deal with it! There is NOTHING to be afraid of." Which, is his first reaction to most things.  The "Preseizure Dara" would bow back up and yell (@ least mentally), "Don't be like that to me! I wasn't afraid-I just kind dropped my fight for a minute."  This approach doesn't really work with me anymore...that's how I know that despite my bravo, jokes and seemingly well adjusted  attitude I have what I have come to think of as 'Seizure Scars'. 

It's not that I fear having a seizure-I don't. If I have one I know it's not a huge life ending ordeal, someone is there to catch me, make me safe, help me slowly come out of it then sleep it off (of stumble through the day w/no memory of what I did). It's inconvenient and even disappointing that I have to start back at "Day 1."

Really, I'm not sure what the fear is about. This weekend at the State Wrestling Tournament we were in a super packed lobby waiting to be let it and I could feel myself begin to panic. I felt like the people were pressing in around me, heart started to pound,  palms began to sweat, breathing became shallow and I knew I had crazy eyes.  When Chris tried the, "Calm down! JUST LOOK AT ME" (he didn't actually yell at me) I still couldn't fight off the waves of absolute terror I felt....we walked out of the crowd to the far wall and inched our way to the door keeping people at an arms distance the whole time (who knows, maybe I did have crazy eyes and I scared people). 

This is the deal--Preseizures I could walk in front of a room of 500, 1000, once even 3500 people and talk with only a small amount of anxiety. Now, I have a hard time walking into a room I'm not familiar with filled with 5-10 people in it.  The thought of taking a trip we earned in May fills me with excitement but also makes me mentally hiccup in fear. Fear at the thought of flights, people I don't know, unfamiliar faces and foreign places. I don't even have anyone to take me to the bathroom (yes, I need someone in the bathroom with me in case I have a seizure in there and Chris can't go in with me).  

I'm just not sure why..... 

What have I lost, given up, or forgotten along the way? 

I know I don't like this new person that is reflected back in my mirror.  I feel as if  I'm winning the daily struggle against Epilepsy but in the end I've lost something so much more precious--I'm losing the battle for bravery. I've lost MY fight for life. 

How do I find that part of me again? How do I find the new version of me?  The one that can balance being careful 'just in case' with the one that wants to lift her eyes to the horizon with her mental sword drawn ready to face the day & all it's challenges? 

And...I've always been a fighter. 

 

Tests I'm Glad My Son Flunked

With all honestly last week was the scariest week of my life. I'm not sure that I can even get through this Blog post without breaking down and crying until the world blurs away and my eyes swell shut. The one  (HUGE) thing that keeps me from a breakdown is that it could have been so much worse.  It's taken me 5 days to gather the courage to even face this post but I know I need to process what has happened and I won't do that until I've written it down. 

In ER-dad making fun...

My husband and I spent  Monday, January 18 through Saturday, January 23 in St. Francis Children's Hospital with our spunky, 'afro-headed', big smiling  youngest (17.6 yr old year old) son. Since the middle of November he has struggled with weight gain; although as a wrestler he was thrilled because he made his lowest high school weight of 120# with little effort, he was also exhausted all the time, had trouble eating and keeping food down when he did manage to eat. His wrestling coach mentioned that he was concerned-even his color was off. It all started when he had complications with poison ivy (or oak) being burned at a bon-fire(we knew he was highly sensitive to it-he had no idea it had been burned until he started to break out) so after three different doctors, strep throat, a virus diagnosis  and continued sickness we finally decided it was time to go to another Dr. when he didn't get well. The Dr. at Urgent Care didn't agree that it was a virus or the latest coughing bug going around-it could be his appendix so he sent us directly to St. Francis Children's Hospital ER.  After what seemed like forever we were shocked to learn that no, it wasn't his appendix but we weren't going home either. He was being admitted for testing. 

As we faced teams of doctors we tried to explain why we were there I realized compared to the hours and hours of working out, measuring food and more working out last year to make and maintain 126# he had made 120# with no effort in the wrestling world.  After the retelling and telling again of what we saw the months prior, numerous vials of blood with no idea of when we would get out I began to feel the first current of fear running down my spine. After the first day his growing team of doctors began tossed out words like leukemia, lymphoma, rare autoimmune disease, family history of childhood deaths I began to count the moments until the blood tests came back  with doctors explanations.  On the second day a resident told me not to Google anything-I never did. 

Thankfully, the test for leukemia came back negative, chest x-ray for lymphoma came back negative, there is no history of early childhood deaths from anything. I have never been so happy my son flunked tests! They didn't have an answer as to why he was having so much trouble so they continued the hunt for answers while increasing his team of doctors to specialists and residents. New tests were ordered for more in depth testing and a quest for answers.

On day four a scope of his throat was done, the GI Specialist found 4 ulcers in his esophagus and cultures were taken, medication was given and we were being released to go home. After waiting all day as we were getting ready to walk out the door when one of our fantastic nurses came in with a doctor in tow.

We were given an extended stay by the culture taken of his throat-it came back a fungus. The funniest conversation of our entire stay happened then, in a CT Scan his appendix had some fluid around it and Easton kept saying it hurt, the resident finally said, "Boy, you need to stop worrying about that appendix and worry about the plant growing in your throat!"  After two more days of IV antifungals we were released from the hospital.

Checking his heart-over mom,
her pics & the hospital

The day we were released we learned that a few staff members believed he was admitted and put on the oncology wing because he had all the 'tells" of cancer (all his symptoms pointed to it), numerous tests were repeated and the reason for additional testing to was rule out all kinds of rare things. As his main Resident said, "we aren't ruling anything in, just ruling things out."

I can't describe what it was like to walk around the pediatrics floor and meet children from the opposite hall the little bald heads, masks and numerous IV bags. One young person, I would guess around 10-12 seemed to only eat popcorn...I met him/her  (I think it was a her but I'm not sure) almost every time at the microwave as I heated up water for mint tea. Even when I didn't see her, I could smell the popcorn in the microwave.  The first time I was struck with profound sadness for her, I said a prayer for her, her family, her team of doctors and a prayer of thanks that my child had been spared.

You see, last year I followed an elementary school friend  (really my oldest sister's best friend while in Jr. High) as she helped her 4 year old son fight cancer. Although he did beat cancer, he passed away from Graft vs. Host Disease from the life-saving bone marrow transplant he had. As an outsider looking in, what felt like a world apart I read through FaceBook and her Blog as her precious son fought. So many times my heart broke for her, I can honestly say I loved on my kids even more than I already did (& they will tell you that I hug, kiss and tell them I love them so much it drives them crazy at times-not one care is given that they are adults). Being a bystander I never understood fully how she felt and I can tell you, the few times "cancer" was said in my son's room I will never understand how she felt.

After only three days of sleeping at the hospital my husband and I were beyond exhausted. One of the days I tried not to leave at all and showered in Easton's room. I realized that wasn't something I could do, I had to go home for just an hour and a half (30 minutes there & back w/30 minutes to shower), I just had to get out and recharge. The second day Easton named his IV pole 'Linda' because she always followed him and wouldn't stop 'yelling' (beeping). After the first night when I woke to a Doctor explaining the tests and plan for the day I began waking at 4:00am so that I would have time for some coffee before th team of doctors came around. In true Hudson fashion we  made the best of the situation, of course Easton charmed most of the staff. There were numerous people that walked in and said, "We are just here to see his hair" and was know as "the boy with the hair."  The staff, from doctors, nurses, to CNA's and volunteers we can say nothing but amazing wonderful things. Even when we stayed an extra day because they just wouldn't accept the explanation that he had a severe reaction from the airborne poison ivy/oak in November coupled with numerous viruses,bugs, and bacteria infections creating a perfect storm of ultimate sickness-I still can't complain. They wanted a more definite, clear answer then even we did.  

If I said I was never scared, I would be lying. Always in the back of my mind, prowling behind every corner was a carefully held fear that the next test would be 'The One' that forever changed my life. Even now, tears spill down my cheeks as the fear I held in check comes back. I've always known because of my seizures that your life, my life, can change in one breath. To sit in the children's ward of a hospital and count the moments until you are sure your child is OK, sick yes, but not forever life altering is pure torment.  Miraculously I only had one day of seizures....for which I am eternally thankful.  (One of the doctors thought my husband was kidding when he said I had a seizure earlier not to worry about trying to talk to me, I wouldn't remember anything.)

I still fight the "what if they missed something" monster, today at a follow-up appointed as the doctor told me he was scheduling follow-ups with the Infectious Disease Specialist and Gastroenterologist I had to bite back the fear. When the doctor said it was all very puzzling and he was requesting all Easton's medical records all the way back of infancy then he'd gather everyone together to go over all the tests again  along with his medical history (which there is very little of-he's been my healthiest one) to make sure nothing was missed, nothing was overlooked I wanted to tell him that it was ok, we are great, just getting over being really sick. No need to worry....

The one time I broke down was right after we got our extended stay because of the fungus (the team was extremely concerned about the ulcers having a fungus-it was very exciting for some of the residents), my husband and I had just walked down to the cafeteria to eat after waiting all day thinking we'd grab something good on the way home as a "Get out of the hospital treat" (I was leaning toward Mexican with a margarita included).  It was after 7:00 pm, we were both exhausted, hungry and worn out, before I realized it I was blinking back tears. Then they began to drip into my soup. I came completely undone over chicken noodle soup. At that moment my sweet wonderful husband talked me back into shape. Reminding me that it was all ok, nothing much had changed-we just had to stay a little longer.

My heart still breaks for all the parents of the west hall, 3rd floor of St Francis Children's Hospital. Within me there is also a new sympathy for my friend that lost her child she lived for almost a year, as a single mom on a floor just like the one we were on. To all parents that have watched their child suffer from a medical issue, it doesn't matter if they are victorious or not, it leaves scars on the soul and my heart breaks for them.

I know, without a doubt I have never been so glad my son flunked some tests.

Once again, mom & her pics. Today, at check-up. 

HOPE.

Over the last year I have begun to manage my seizures, they are getting less frequent and I think I can even detect when some are about to happen. Instead of weekly seizures (usually an average of 2-3 cluster seizures per day) I have gone a week or two without a seizure at all. As a matter of fact, in the month of July I only had 2 seizures all month long! How has this happened?

Really, I'm not sure except that I'm taking some natural oils, doing yoga daily, light workouts 2 times a week and eating better (drinking lots and lots of water-I've always taken my medication like clock-work). The most amazing thing about this is that we've had a really hard spring and summer--we finished building our home AND moved into it while keeping a business going. In addition, we picked up to start working  a second business that we hadn't really put much time into  but were a part of for over 16 years and allowed it to coast along by itself. Added to this huge transition time my middle child (my wonderful, most helpful child around the house), Kennedy, my sweet daughter went away to college too. Leaving only my youngest son, my husband and I. That has been quite an adjustment for all of us! Having only one child is very different, to 'lose' two children in two years has been hard for us...but that's another post.

My seizures began to pick back up again last month and continued on into this month. The difference is that I haven't been taking the oral natural oils like I had been (Yes, clearly there is a direct correlation that I'm getting back on track with)....what the decrease and then increase brought to the surface are all of the little things that Epilepsy has stolen from me.

In no particular order of importance.

1. Owing a car.
2. Driving period.
3. Privacy-I don't do anything by myself. At all. Ever.
4. Working out with high intensity.
5. Balance-yes, I'm doing yoga but not like I once could. My balance, or lack of is very evident now.
6. Strength in my body.
7. Fireworks.
8. High heels, sparkly clothes and dresses (I could wear those but flashing people and plucking out an     eye isn't my idea of fun).
9. Walking alone.
10. Large crowds...this is what I'm going to focus on for the rest of this entry.


Generally I try to stay upbeat and positive with my life. I have SO MANY BLESSINGS IN MY LIFE why should I focus on the negative?  Why do I care about what I don't have?  Why should I focus on what I don't get to do? Last month I had to stay home while my oldest son and husband went to Dallas for a huge 'Leadership Success School' for a business that we had been a part of for over 16 years but I hadn't been to since I began having seizures in 2007. I posted on a social media site that I was struggling with being left behind, I had been feeling great, my seizures were down, we knew what my triggers were. That was the key, we know what the triggers are now and there would be so many that it simply came down to being unsafe for me to go with them. I wouldn't remember any of it because I would have had so many cluster seizures and my husband/son would be exhausted from watching me and containing me when I had them.  They would be distracted with watching me it would totally defeat the purpose of them going.

I was angry.
No, I was furious.
I was blindly pissed-off.

After the first year of hiding in my home from exhaustion   (and embarrassment for me) as we learned to cope with my seizures we, as a family, refused to allow my disorder to control my life. I refused to become my disorder, it was not going to define who I was. Yes, I would do all I could to make sure I could control my seizures (as much as I could).  I live in a small town and pretty much everyone knows I have seizures, it's no big deal. No one calls  911 and usually if we are at a school function the police (who know me by name-as do most of the firemen) stand by to make sure that the guests know we have it under control. We joke that if I haven't had a seizure some where it won't be long before I do.

So, for the first time I simply had to make a decision  NOT  to go somewhere felt like I was admitting defeat. As if this disorder had finally knocked me out. It was during this weekend of being at home that I received a message from a friend I haven't seen in a llloonnnggg time that touched me to my core. I simply sat and cried.

 Humbled.
 Renewed.

 *I have kept their name from this post due to security reasons.

"Hey just wanted to send you a quick note. I work in the local ER ( security) we had a young boy come in with seizures. He had just been told he had epilepsy and he was very upset. So I was talking to him and told him about this amazing friend I had (you) who deals with this every day and how she has a beautiful family and friends that love her. How it is a hard fight but she always battles through and how she has accomplished so much. The young man 8 yrs old was smiling when he left cause of you! Your strength and will. Just wanted you to know you made a huge difference to this young boy!!!"

Reading it again as I posted this brought tears to my eyes...not because I'm proud of what I've done. I haven't done anything at all! I've simply lived and shared my life BUT because I've shared a young boy has hope. THAT is what living my seizure life out loud and boldly is about. HOPE.


I have tripled my daily effort to be better. Do better. Be more then I was yesterday.

Is it hard? YES!

Before seizures I was thinking about becoming a Zumba instructor and/or a Yoga teacher. I've never had a problem with balance. Now, for most part, when I do one legged moves I have to use a chair or one of the posts from my bed. Ya, know what tho, that's ok!! I'm doing better today then I was last week. That is HOPE.

I drive the tractor every once in awhile. Ok, so I back it out but I'm still controlling it! That is hope.

I've worn a dress twice this summer for a couple of hours. Yes, I had a seizure in one but that's ok, next time I will wear lacy bloomers (they are back in style-kinda-even if that isn't what they were intended for). I even have a wedding I'm going to in a couple of weeks that I'm planning on wearing a dress to (that's a quadruple  victory by the way-dress, crowd, perfume & cameras). HOPE.

I'm working out for longer and longer each week. Again, HOPE.

I'm plugging into meetings and training's through my laptop; I can't be in a room but I can hear it and grow personally so I can help others grow. Have HOPE so I can GIVE HOPE.

I not afraid to say once in awhile that I'm frustrated...frustration means I can see an end, I have HOPE.

Emily Dickinson wrote one of my favorite poems about "Hope"....

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—



PS I have a "Seizure Free Celebration Bucket List" coming soon....

i. am. epilepsy.

BACKGROUND:

It's been a very VERY long time since I've been forced to totally alter my plans with the ONLY determining factor being the risk (or, in this case, the very-high-as-in-almost-guarantee) of a seizure. I would say that it is because in the past, over a decade really, that my family has made sure that accommodations are made to make sure I'm safe and go anyway if we can eliminate or reduce MOST 'risk' factors. This event simply couldn't be manipulated...there was no safe way.  It is the first time I've felt good, wanted to go and simply had to make the choice that its too dangerous for me to go.

My husband and I have been independent distributors with a nutrition company for over 17 yrs-our last large National "Success School" with the company was the summer prior to my first seizure.  This year we had a wonderful friend lose over 75 lbs and our son, Kaiden, decided he wanted to sign up with the company....the result is me home with my college freshman daughter tomorrow, Kennedy, and youngest son, Easton (he's 16) while my husband, oldest son & one of his friends attend the school in Dallas.

THIS is what I REALLY wanted to write about.  

I'M MAD.
IT SUCKS.

I try hard not to allow what happens to my body...having no control over what it does, when it does it, how long or hard it does it, where it does it, get me down. We (as a family) tease and make fun (cause, well that's how we deal w/ things-we make a joke of them) while being ever mindful and vigilant to be safe. I do my part. I take my meds as directed. Every. Single. Day. 3 times a day. Within an hour of the day before. I monitor what I eat. I monitor how much I  sleep. How I feel. I monitor what is going on around me, who is watching me.

My family watches out for me. All. The. Time.

SO, to be unable to go somewhere is like....like allowing the seizures to win. To admit that I am (for these few days) controlled by what my body does...controlled by my disorder.

I BECOME MY DISORDER.

i.
am.
epilepsy.

For today. Only for today.


Much love & confident I will someday (SOON) be seizure-free.
   

November - Epilepsy Awareness Month & "Gratitude" Month

Some of you might not realize November is "Epilepsy Awareness" month.

It is also the month many on social media call "Gratitude Month" which means, essentially, that people list daily what they are 'thankful' for during the month of November.

This year it struck me as ironic....the very month people daily list what they are 'Thankful' for is the very month many epilepsy foundations try to increase awareness about seizures and those living with them.

Like so many living with a chronic disorder my "Daily Gratitude List" might looks a little different to most. For instance, it goes without saying I'm thankful for my family however, I am thankful for my family because:

1. Without them I would have zero life. At all. I would be confined to a bed or have to have a stranger come and watch me daily.
2. Without them most likely, I wouldn't be alive. They have rushed me to the hospital while doing CRP because my medications weren't breaking down properly. A few times they knew to continue to argue with the doctors that the new medication was NOT a good idea, the side effects weren't worth the possible benefit.
3. They are willing to be with me no matter what I look like, if I've had a seizure on the floor and sit in a daze beside them or, if I have had a rough couple of days and simply want to get out (even if I'm in an exhausted state and look like I've been run over).
4. I'm grateful that they have been around me so long that when words fail to connect from my misfiring brain in order to make it out of my mouth they step in and ease my frustration, beginning the 'guessing game' with the details and hand gestures I provide.  

Physically my list might look like this:

1. I am grateful I have gone 3 days without a seizure.
2. So, SO, so thankful while in public my bladder was empty when I had the seizure.
3. I'm especially thankful that I can still walk, woggle (cross between a jog and walk), read, talk, and type-- many with epilepsy lose that ability due to the nature of the seizures.
4. Although I complain about my 'ample' thighs and butt, it has saved me from broken bones many a time (also, for an extra hard head....I've had very few concussions over the years--mainly due to my families diligence but I will give credit to my noggin too).

Most of all...I am thankful I got 'over myself' and refused to allow my disorder to control my life...I refuse to hide in my house in the (likely) chance I will have a seizure. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable...but, that is for another post so, I won't go down that road...

I'm thankful, not for the disorder,  but learning to live despite it.  

Beginning Again: Working out & Writing.

I'm not sure I should title this, "Beginning Again" since I never really started... Ah well, good thing about for and about myself is-I can put what I want, within reason.

Really, the deciding reason of   "Beginning Again" is I want to feel as if I at least started (I named the Blog long ago)...it's always been easier for me to 'pick it up again'  vs. starting new.

Through soul searching and quietly talking to myself I realized this blog was similar to my attitude/thoughts/action (or lack thereof) of working out and writing again. Full of excuses and reason's why I haven't BEGUN AGAIN.

Guess some background info is needed. I'm gonna try to use less words (I've struggled with 'word limits' all day! UGH! I'm wordy and I know it! I also like exc!amation points, if you didn't notice).

Seizures took away/altered/decreased (no particular importance):
1. DRIVING- dangerous and illegal for any person with uncontrolled seizures.
2. WORKING OUT- I can't get hot, have to have a family member take me or be w/me
3. WORKING PERIOD-we own a small business so, I work when I can (Teacher by ed.)
4. BEING ALONE-I'm never alone. Ever. My family is always there...always checking on me
5. HEAT-can't be in heat over about 85 (driving was easier to accept-I love sun, gardens, Summer) 6. LIGHTS
7. STRONG SMELLS-mainly perfume and cologne
8. CROWDS-mental, I get uneasy in crowds..worry I will have a seizure. Usually I do
9. SOUNDS-(repetition and certain pitches)  Yay, no Wal Mart/shopping for me!
10. READING/WRITING-some days I can't understand words-at all. It's as if they are fashioned                                         from an unknown script or language. I also struggle with simple                                                     grammar and sentence structure. As an avid, crazy addicted reader those                                       "non reading" days are beyond hard. As a woman passionately in love                                            with writing I have allowed my fear of judgement from others in my                                              noun/verb errors, fragments, usage of dots and dashes to cover up                                                errors and total grammar screw-ups to keep me from writing.

THIS, entry is about numbers 2 and 10.

I haven't done either of these activities because of fear along with equal parts laziness and a dash of guilt.  My guilt is simple-my family has to watch me 24/7. Literally. I have a "Mom sitter" or, "Seizure sitter" every single day. I don't shower unless my husband is with me or one of my kids is sitting outside the shower, I don't make coffee, dinner, or even get a snack w/out someone knowing I'm walking from one room to another. There is no "private bathroom" time for me. Yes, it was  a huge adjustment and I had some trouble adjusting. However, the choices are simple: have someone watch me and 'live' or, stay in bed, or risk dying from a seizure (fall can do it or, actual seizure that isn't stopped).  SO, to ask one of my children or husband to 'work out' with me I feel is selfish--its even more time that they have to invest in me. My children are extremely athletic...my boys play (oldest played) football & wrestle (oldest is now wrestling in college) and my daughter is a golfer (she walks 18 holes up & down hills while carrying 25 lb. golf bag).  None of them want to get up early to walk me.  My husband works...all the time. We own a small business, partly because we've always owned a business but also because I can't work. He worries about me...he wants me to have a life.

***SIDE NOTE: Not to say that he has to work as much as he does-he loves what he's doing and would rather be at the shop building and creating then sitting at home watching TV or playing Halo. ...the adjustment for me as a "working woman"  into forced retirement from a teaching job I loved is for another blog entry-suffice it to say that I've struggled with my new 'role' in this business. ***

Prior to my seizures I was doing Zumba 2x daily, Yoga 3-4x a week, had begun doing Pilates and worked in my yard in the middle of OK summer a couple times a week. At 32 I was in the best shape of my life...then, I spent a year in bed and slowly began to get soft and wither. My medication to control the seizures put 10 lbs on me. Over the last two years weight has slowly crept on and the last year all muscle tone and endurance has evaporated. I could blame the fact that in April I turned 40--which might contribute but I know that it is sitting on my softening behind not moving my body that has done it.

To look at me you'd never know I struggle with my 'weight'. According to the health guidelines I'm not overweight and I'm "average size."  Do I like my reflection? NO WAY! More, I don't like how I feel. I don't like that I pulled weeds for an hour this weekend from my forgotten beds and could hardly move the next day. I don't like that I can't walk around the block. I don't like that I have bat wings for upper arms. I really don't like that my shoulders are so weakened from seizures that I now might have a torn rotator cuff and know I have a dislocated shoulder-which means most days I can't even hold my phone in my left hand much less hold my body in a yoga pose if I wanted to.

Likewise, the fear of "Grammar Judges/ Uglies" I haven't written. My frustration at having to stop and think about which your/you're, than/then, their/there/they're to use, double checking for commas vs. semi-colons (which I've always struggled with), periods, fragments, noun/verb agreement, tense switching, and using "I" to (or too? ) much has kept me from even writing in my journal. Journal writing began for me in Jr. High...it was the way I kept myself "glued together".  The frustration of my fragmented, skipping, sometimes senseless thoughts which made the transition to paper caused me so much angst that I simply stopped. Completely.

Until now.

Today is the first day.... I have personally experienced the "magic of writing down goals"...it's something I passed down to my children.  I KNOW it works. So, here are my goals with my current "Seizure Stealers"    (I know that isn't a real word)....

1. WRITING: I will write and post something on this Blog or my other Blog, "Dara's Dilliance" @                        least once a month, gradually increasing the frequency as the year progresses.

2. WORKING OUT: I will begin working out-walking, pulling weeds, dancing (something) 5 days a                                 week...increasing the intensity and time in 30, 60 and 90 days. I realize I
                                must start small...and looking back at where I was only defeats my future.
                                I'm no longer a 32 yr old woman working to look great in a bikini...I'm a 40                                   yr woman defeating seizures every single day and getting healthy for life.                                       (Not  that I won't be 'happy dancing' to losing some inches and cellulite).