This is celebrated with happy dances and some bewilderment when we realize that I go weeks without one it also opens a new territory that we carefully tread around. Personally, sometimes creates terror in me.
There, I wrote it (which always makes it real for me), I now deal with fears. Yes, even terrors.
My poor husband usually takes the, "STOP! Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and deal with it! There is NOTHING to be afraid of." Which, is his first reaction to most things. The "Preseizure Dara" would bow back up and yell (@ least mentally), "Don't be like that to me! I wasn't afraid-I just kind dropped my fight for a minute." This approach doesn't really work with me anymore...that's how I know that despite my bravo, jokes and seemingly well adjusted attitude I have what I have come to think of as 'Seizure Scars'.
It's not that I fear having a seizure-I don't. If I have one I know it's not a huge life ending ordeal, someone is there to catch me, make me safe, help me slowly come out of it then sleep it off (of stumble through the day w/no memory of what I did). It's inconvenient and even disappointing that I have to start back at "Day 1."
Really, I'm not sure what the fear is about. This weekend at the State Wrestling Tournament we were in a super packed lobby waiting to be let it and I could feel myself begin to panic. I felt like the people were pressing in around me, heart started to pound, palms began to sweat, breathing became shallow and I knew I had crazy eyes. When Chris tried the, "Calm down! JUST LOOK AT ME" (he didn't actually yell at me) I still couldn't fight off the waves of absolute terror I felt....we walked out of the crowd to the far wall and inched our way to the door keeping people at an arms distance the whole time (who knows, maybe I did have crazy eyes and I scared people).
This is the deal--Preseizures I could walk in front of a room of 500, 1000, once even 3500 people and talk with only a small amount of anxiety. Now, I have a hard time walking into a room I'm not familiar with filled with 5-10 people in it. The thought of taking a trip we earned in May fills me with excitement but also makes me mentally hiccup in fear. Fear at the thought of flights, people I don't know, unfamiliar faces and foreign places. I don't even have anyone to take me to the bathroom (yes, I need someone in the bathroom with me in case I have a seizure in there and Chris can't go in with me).
I'm just not sure why.....
What have I lost, given up, or forgotten along the way?
I know I don't like this new person that is reflected back in my mirror. I feel as if I'm winning the daily struggle against Epilepsy but in the end I've lost something so much more precious--I'm losing the battle for bravery. I've lost MY fight for life.
How do I find that part of me again? How do I find the new version of me? The one that can balance being careful 'just in case' with the one that wants to lift her eyes to the horizon with her mental sword drawn ready to face the day & all it's challenges?
And...I've always been a fighter.
